Ivy's Holiday
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Poison Ivy goes on vacation to Brazil to get away from it all. Unfortunately for her, the getting away might not be so easy, since the Joker, Harley Quinn, and Two-Face all happen to be vacationing at the same place at the same time.
1. Chapter 1

**Ivy's Holiday **

Poison Ivy took a deep breath, shutting her eyes and sighing in relaxation. There was nothing like getting away from it all, nothing like a little sun and sand on the beaches of Brazil, away from the smoke and grime of Gotham City, away from the schemes and the Bat, and away from the Joker and Harley Quinn. She loved Harley really, like a sister, but her constantly abusive, volatile relationship with the Joker annoyed her beyond reason. She tried to ignore it, but it always forced itself upon her somehow, whether it was Harley coming to cry on her shoulder when Joker repeatedly kicked her out, or Joker's attempts to purposely upset her with his stupid gags. But she was in Brazil now, and they were far away in Gotham. She could already feel her muscles unclenching, her body untensing, her blood pressure lowering. She was a good friend to Harley – there when she needed her, but now it was Ivy's time to indulge herself. Spend some quality time with the plants of the Rainforest. Meet a couple cute hunks and enjoy a few flings. Go to the Carnival in Rio, maybe. She was free, single, and looking for a good time, and she intended to find one. She sighed again, enjoying the feel of the sun basking her naked skin. All plants adored sunlight, and Ivy was no different, feeling her body rejuvinate itself as the sun's rays caressed every inch of it. She listened to the waves crashing against the sand and smiled. This was paradise. Peaceful, quiet, relaxing paradise, the sun, the sand, the sea, and Ivy, all by herself.

"You really should cover up, Pammie, ain't you ever heard of skin cancer?" chuckled an all too familiar voice.

Ivy's eyes snapped open in horror. She saw the figure of the Joker standing over her, that perpetual, annoying smile on his smug face. "J…what the hell…are you doing here?" gasped Ivy, attempting to cover herself as she felt about for her towel.

"Red! It _is _you!" exclaimed Harley, running over to them across the beach. She was dressed in a red and black bikini with diamond patterns dotting it, while the Joker was wearing purple swimming trunks. Harley's face was beaming, but it fell when she came closer. "Why ain't you wearing anything, Red?" she asked, puzzled. Then she slapped Joker across the face. "You look away, Mr. J!" she snapped.

"Sorry, pooh bear, I was just looking for any birthmarks or distinctive features in case Pammie ever shows up dead and I have to identify the body," replied Joker, grinning. "Handy to know these things, pumpkin."

Ivy had found her towel and now covered herself with it, still gaping at the two of them in astonishment. "What…how…why…are you two here?" she stammered.

"We're on vacation, Red!" exclaimed Harley, happily, throwing up her arms. "Three whole weeks of sea, sun, and fun!"

"Three…weeks?" stammered Ivy. "Gee…J…are you sure the Bat can survive without you for that long?"

"Aw, I know he'll miss me, Pammie, but I can't spend my whole life worrying about him, y'know?" replied Joker, grinning. "Everyone needs a little private time to themselves once in a while. A little personal space."

"Yes, they do," agreed Ivy, glaring at him. "And can I ask why you've chosen to come here, where I'm taking my vacation?"

"I didn't know you'd be here too, Red!" beamed Harley. "But it's a swell surprise, ain't it? Mr. J booked this whole thing as a special treat for me. He's such a great guy!" she breathed, gazing at him in adoration.

"Did he?" growled Ivy. "Well, wasn't that nice of him? To pick exactly the same place I'm going on my vacation for exactly the same length of time I'm going for. I wonder how he might have stumbled upon my travel plans. I'm sure I didn't mention them to anyone."

"Yeah, but you didn't use a false name when you booked either," retorted Joker. "So it's kinda your own fault, really."

"Ain't you pleased that we're all here together, Red?" asked Harley, clapping excitedly. "I think it'll be a blast! We'll have such a fun time! We can see all the sights and make memories that'll last a lifetime!"

Ivy took a deep breath. "Look, Harley, I don't mean to be rude, but I really wanted to spend this vacation alone, y'know, just by myself. I just really need some me time, so I hope you won't be too offended if I just ask you to…go away."

Harley stared at her. "Aw, but Red, that's the saddest thing I ever heard!" she exclaimed. "Nobody wants to be alone on vacation in this beautiful paradise! I wouldn't dream of abandoning you like that!"

"No, really, it's ok, Harley," said Ivy, quickly. "It's exactly what I want. Just some peace and quiet and relaxing by myself. I will, in fact, pay you anything you want to go away and leave me alone. It's nothing personal, really, I just need this time for me."

Harley gaped at her, hurt. "Well…fine, Red," she sniffed. "If that's really the way you feel…we'll just go. C'mon, Mr. J."

She took his hand and they turned to leave, when another familiar figure appeared on the beach. This figure was also undressed, and didn't notice them, and as he got closer, Harley's jaw dropped.

"Whoa, Momma!" she exclaimed.

"Hey, don't look at him, you dumb broad!" snapped Joker, slapping her across the face.

"Harvey?" gasped Ivy.

Two-Face did notice them now, and both his faces went red as he scrambled for his own towel and covered himself. "Hi…Pammie, Harley, J," he muttered. "What are you all doing here?"

"We…all just happened…to be on vacation together at the same place and at the same time," said Ivy. "And so are you, I see."

"Yeah, well, I come here every year," muttered Two-Face. "Seems odd that you all would discover my regular vacation spot."

"Yeah, it does," agreed Joker, grinning. "You and Pammie aren't here…together, are you?"

"No," they both replied hastily. "No," repeated Ivy, firmly. "No, we most certainly are not."

"Well, it's a real happy coincidence then, isn't it?" chuckled Joker. "What a great gag! Couldn't have planned it better myself!"

"Geez…Harv…I can see why Red always speaks so highly about you as a lover," gasped Harley, still staring at him. "You got a giant…"

"Penny, yes, we've all heard the story about you trying to kill Batman and everything," interrupted Joker, sulkily. "Why is everyone on this beach naked, may I ask? Is it one of those beaches?"

"It's a fairly private beach," muttered Two-Face. "And not usually occupied."

"Well, we're not one of those couples, I'm afraid," sniffed Joker. Then he smiled. "Still, if that's the way things are done here, I'd hate to spoil the fun…"

"Oh God, no!" interrupted Ivy, covering her eyes. "Please, whatever you do, keep your clothes on! I never, ever want to see that! Ever!"

"Gee, Red, no need to be so prudish," retorted Harley. "If everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't we? And Harvey's pretty impressive, I'll grant you, but Mr. J is bigger."

"Why do you think I'm always so happy, Pammie?" smiled Joker. "But to tell you the truth, pooh, I'm not very comfortable with public nudity. It just seems a bit too European for me. And I'm a red-blooded American if anyone is."

"I know you are, puddin'," breathed Harley, kissing him. "My gorgeous, handsome, precious, patriotic puddin'!"

"Still, while you're here, Pammie, maybe you should think about getting a Brazilian," said Joker, grinning. "Can't help but notice that the bush could do with a little trimming."

Ivy punched him in the face. "Now get lost, you disgusting creep!" she shouted. "And take your little girlfriend and the bi-polar freak with you! This is _my _vacation, and nobody is going to ruin it for me by inflicting me with their presence! So beat it!"

"This is _my _vacation spot, Pammie," growled Two-Face. "I was here first. You beat it."

"If Harvey's staying, we're staying," said Harley, folding her arms across her chest. "Mr. J's booked a romantic little hut right on the beach, and we ain't moving!"

"I swear if you all don't leave me alone right now…" began Ivy.

"What? What are you gonna do, Pammie?" laughed Joker. "The thing about a naked girl is that they ain't got any place to hide the weapons. Another reason why I ain't a fan of public nudity," he giggled, grinning as he pulled out a pistol from the pocket of his swimming trunks. "Now as the guy with the gun, lemme tell you what we're gonna do. We're all gonna enjoy our nice, relaxing vacation together, we're all gonna make the best of the others being here, and we're all gonna have a whole lotta fun! Because how can you not have fun with the four of us around, am I right?" he laughed.

"Absolutely right, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, leaping into his arms. "Such a clever, handsome, sweet genius!" she purred, ruffling his hair.

"Well, we'll leave you guys to your birthday suit party!" laughed Joker, carrying Harley off. "See you at dinner!"

Left alone, Ivy and Two-Face looked at each other and then dispersed to opposite ends of the beach without a word. Ivy was fuming, and could feel her blood pressure rising again. "Some vacation," she muttered to herself. "I don't know how this can get any worse."

She was about to find out.


	2. Chapter 2

"What's the Spanish for fish, Mr. J?" asked Harley, perusing the menu at dinner.

"How the hell should I know?" he retorted. "You're the one who went to college."

"I studied psychology, not languages," she said.

"Nor, apparently, geography," muttered Ivy. "They don't speak Spanish in Brazil, Harley. They speak Portuguese."

"Really? It looks a lot like Spanish," she said, frowning at the menu. "And sounds a lot like Spanish. Do you speak Spanish, Red?"

"No," replied Ivy.

"Do you speak Portuguese?" she asked.

"No!" retorted Ivy. "But I know a few words, enough to get a general idea of the menu."

"Ok. What's the Portuguese for fish?" pressed Harley. "I wanna avoid fish, y'see, I have this thing…"

"I know you don't like fish, Harley," interrupted Ivy. "But I don't know what it is in Portuguese, I'm afraid."

"Do you know what is in Spanish?" she asked.

"Why would that matter?" asked Ivy.

"Just curious," shrugged Harley. "We might go to Spain someday and it could be useful."

"Here's a question, why doesn't everyone just speak English?" asked Joker. "Life would be so much simpler if you didn't have to bother trying to figure out a bunch of gibberish every time you leave the States. Where's the damn Riddler when you actually need him?"

He closed the menu and shouted "Hey garcon! Get over here!"

The waiter rushed over. "Look, garcon, we no habla Espanol, so why don't you just bring us something nice to eat, preferably without fish, and a couple of margaritas for me and the lady. Comprehende?"

The waiter said something, gesturing to Ivy. "Do I look like I know what you're saying?" snapped Joker.

"I think he's asking me if I'll have the same," growled Ivy. "And yes, I will, thank you."

The waiter nodded then hurried off. "I wonder where Harvey is," said Ivy, looking around.

"Maybe he met a gal on the beach," said Joker, reaching into his jacket and pulling out a cigar. "Maybe someone else who wanted to join in the birthday suit party. Probably wouldn't be too difficult to get down to business when you've got the goods on display already. Jealous, Pammie?"

"Why would I be jealous?" she asked, casually.

Joker chuckled, lighting the cigar. "Oh, come on. You're seriously asking me to believe that you both just happened to be here by coincidence? I may be crazy, but I ain't stupid, Pammie. This whole vacation was meant to be a dirty little fling for you and Harvey, wasn't it?"

"If we wanted to have a dirty little fling, there's no reason we'd have to leave Gotham to do it," retorted Ivy. "I promise you, J, this vacation was meant to get me away from everyone, including Harvey. The last thing I want to do is be stuck in Brazil for three weeks hanging out with my ex-boyfriend. 'Ex' being the key part of that word."

"Wouldn't blame you if you did wanna get back together with him, though, Red," said Harley as their drinks arrived. "He's a really impressive speciman of manhood, ain't he?"

"Stop mentioning it, you dumb broad!" growled Joker.

"I'm just surprised, puddin', I didn't really expect it from Harvey," said Harley. "I always thought he had a lot of compensation going on, y'know, with the big guns and the fancy cars, the same way the Bat compensates with the Batmobile. But there's no need to be insecure…"

"I ain't insecure!" he snapped, accidentally biting down on his cigar. He growled, rubbing his jaw.

"Aw, poor puddin'!" cooed Harley, cuddling up against him. "What can your Harley girl do to make it all better?"

"You can shut your goddamn mouth about Harvey!" he retorted. "I'm sick of hearing about the guy!"

"Good thing you're on vacation with him, then," retorted Ivy, dryly. "I think you're jealous, J," she said, grinning.

"He ain't got no reason to be jealous," snapped Harley, curling into his lap. "He's twice the man Harvey is, and he's got his adoring Harley girl who don't love anyone else but him. What's Harvey got?"

"Two hot dames on his arm," retorted Joker.

Harley and Ivy looked up to see Two-Face approaching them from across the restaurant, with a very attractive woman on each arm. "Evening, all," he said, cheerfully.

The waiter immediately rushed over to him and bowed, and began chattering away in Portuguese. To their astonishment, Two-Face responded fluently, nodding in appreciation. "_Sim, Sr. Dent_," said the waiter at last, rushing off.

"I didn't know you speak Portuguese," said Ivy, gaping at him in astonishment.

"I'm full of surprises, Pammie," he retorted, sitting down with the women on either side of him. "Like I said, I come here every year. You pick up a few phrases after a while. Anyway, I'm a guest in their country – the least I can do is learn their language. Plus there are a couple benefits of being able to speak to the natives," he murmured, smiling at one of the women.

"They don't mind the fact that you only got half a face?" snapped Ivy.

"Apparently not," he retorted, putting an arm around their shoulders and leaning back, smiling.

Joker studied the woman nearest him. Harley immediately bristled, and turned his face back to her. He laughed, reaching for another cigar, as the waiter brought drinks for the women and Two-Face. "They don't make 'em like that in the States," he chuckled, lighting it.

"No, they make 'em even better," sniffed Harley.

"Aw, don't be jealous, pooh bear," he murmured, kissing her. "They probably couldn't take a beating the way you could. I like my girls begging for pain from Daddy."

"Oh, Mr. J," she breathed, enveloping his mouth.

"You got a problem with public displays of affection, Julio?" demanded Joker, drawing away suddenly when he noticed the waiter staring at him.

He gestured at Joker, speaking to Two-Face in Portuguese. "He wants you to put out the cigar," translated Two-Face. "There's no smoking allowed. This restaurant is made of bamboo – the whole thing could go up with a stray spark."

Joker stared at him. "He's telling me to stop smoking? On _my_ vacation? Does he know who I am? Comprehende moi, Juan? I'm the Joker! Aw, what am I called in Spanish? Probably El Jokero or something? Ring any bells, Carlos?"

"Nobody tells puddin' what to do!" snapped Harley. "Especially not some snotty nosed college dropout from the middle of nowhere who waits tables for a living! You tell him that, Harv!"

Two-Face looked annoyed, but spoke to the waiter. The waiter replied, looking nervous. "He's asking you kindly," translated Two-Face.

"And I'm telling him unkindly to beat it, before I beat him," retorted Joker. "Sounds like the perfect way to relax on my vacation," he chuckled.

Two-Face sighed, then muttered something to the waiter. "I've told him I'll handle you," he said, leaning forward.

"Yeah? Will you, Harv?" said Joker, grinning as he leaned forward. "Big talk. But as we all know, it's not how big it is that matters. It's how you use it."

He giggled, and blew smoke into Two-Face's face. Ivy broke the tension in the air by rising. "I'm just going to get another drink at the bar," she said. "If anyone cares."

They both grunted, still staring each other down and waiting for the other to make the first move. Ivy was about to ask Harley if she wanted to join her, but she saw her friend's muscles tensed and ready to attack at the first sign of danger to her puddin'. There was no chance of her abandoning him for a drink. Ivy sighed and left them, making her way over to the bar. She was so sick of the fighting. She had come here to get away from all that. And she was also sick of how everyone seemed to have some sort of companion except for her. It wasn't fair. She was a vibrant, attractive, confident young woman, and she wanted a man. Any would do at this point, so long as he was young and fairly attractive.

There happened to be such a man lounging at the bar, and Ivy strolled up to him, putting on her most sultry smile. "I hope you speak English, handsome," she murmured.

"And what other language would an Englishman speak?" he asked, smiling at her in return.

"Oooh, like your accent," she murmured. "You from London?"

"It's not the only area of England," he replied. "But yes, I am."

"There's something really exotic about the English accent," she said, smiling. "Something really attractive too."

"Hardly, compared to most of the accents you hear here," he replied. "But thank you, Miss…"

"Isley. Pamela Isley," she replied.

"Are you here on your own, Miss Isley?" he asked.

"Oh, my friends are around here somewhere," she replied. "But if you mean am I unattached, then yes, I am."

"You American women don't beat about the bush," he said, grinning. "I've always liked that about you. Open and honest and straightforward, with nothing to conceal."

"Oh, every woman has got something to conceal, handsome," she murmured. "It just takes the right kind of man to make her want to reveal it. You think you're the right kinda man, handsome?" she breathed, leaning against the bar.

"I'd certainly like to give it a try," he murmured.

She grinned. "Then buy me a drink," she said.

He obeyed, and she held up her glass. "To…possibilities," she breathed.

"Chin, chin," he murmured.

Ivy raised the glass to her lips, but dropped it suddenly as the Joker slammed into her back. He had been thrown across the room by Two-Face and fell against the bar, knocking drinks everywhere.

"You bi-polar bastard!" he shouted, leaping to his feet. "C'mon, Pammie, help me kill your ex!" he laughed, pulling out his gun. "It's every woman's dream, really!"

The man stared at Ivy. "Do you…um…know him?" he asked.

"No," said Ivy, hastily, as Joker began firing at Two-Face. "Never seen him before in my life."

Glancing back over at the table, she saw Harley had both the women in a headlock. She slammed their faces down on the table and knocked them unconscious, then leapt at Two-Face. "Nobody treats Mr. J like that!" she shrieked, latching onto him and pummeling him.

"Get him, Harley doll!" chuckled Joker, seizing the drink nearest him and chugging it down. He continued to fire as everyone else began to scream and run from the restaurant.

"Is that…the Joker?" asked Ivy's companion, hesitantly.

"Don't know who it is," said Ivy quickly. "Let's get out of here, shall we?"

"C'mon, Pammie, whoever shoots him first gets fifty points!" he giggled. "But you lose twenty-five if you hit Harley!"

"I'm going, J," snapped Ivy.

"Aw, but you'll miss all the fun!" he exclaimed. "Come on! Poison Ivy was never one to run from a fight!"

"You're…Poison Ivy?" stammered the man, astonished.

"Oops, did I let the cat out of the bag?" chuckled Joker. "Sorry, Pammie! Guess you won't be able to wrap your roots around him tonight after all!"

Ivy drew in a breath, trying not to explode in anger. "You will excuse me, I hope, Miss I…Ivy, but I do have someplace to be," stammered the man, hastily leaving.

Ivy's fists clenched. "You…" she hissed. "You!" she exclaimed, leaping on Joker and knocking him to the ground.

"Hey, watch it, Pammie!" he snapped. "I've still got this cigar lit! And if you listen to the paranoid losers who own this place, it's enough to set the whole building on fire! I'd like to see that…"

But at that moment, a spark fell from the cigar onto some of the spilled alcohol, which immediately ignited and spread over the bar, until most of the restaurant was enveloped in flames. Ivy and Joker rushed outside, followed closely by Two-Face, carrying the two women with him, and Harley still clinging onto his back. They got to a safe distance and watched the restaurant burn, and then explode when the fire reached the gas cannisters in the kitchens.

Joker suddenly laughed maniacally. "Aw, fireworks are a great way to end our first day on vacation!" he cackled. "Ain't they just spectacular, Harley baby?"

"I know how we can make some fireworks, puddin'," breathed Harley, who had climbed off Two-Face and now draped herself over Joker, caressing him.

He chuckled. "You know nothing puts me in the mood like explosions, pumpkin," he murmured, kissing her. "Goodnight, everybody! See you tomorrow!"

He picked Harley up and carried her off in his arms, both of them giggling. For the second time that day, Ivy found herself alone with Two-Face, except for the unconscious women, of course. And for the second time, they didn't say a word, but dispersed to their seperate lodgings. Two-Face's was a hotel in the center of town – Ivy's was a small cottage along the beach, one of a row of huts. She entered and began pummeling her pillow, pretending it was Joker's face. "God…damn…evil…bastard!" she hissed between each blow. She groaned, pulling the pillow over her face. "It just can't get any worse, can it?" she murmured.

She suddenly heard a shriek, followed by another, and another. "Oh! Oh, Mr. J! Oh God, puddin'! That's it, puddin', that's it, rev harder, Daddy! Oh, rev up your Harley! Oh, vroom, vroom, puddin'! Oh, Mr. J!"

Ivy felt her jaw tighten as she realized they were in the hut next door. And Harley never shut up. And when they were in the mood, they were at it for hours. She tried to muffle the noise with her pillow as she sighed in resignation. It was going to be a long night.


	3. Chapter 3

"Morning, Pammie! Sleep well?" startled Ivy from her slumber the next day. The truth was she hadn't slept at all well the previous evening, thanks to Harley screaming most of the night, and was now trying to catch a brief nap on the beach in the sun. But her expectations were once again foiled by the Joker, who smiled as he approached her with Harley leaning adoringly on his arm.

"Yes, fine," snapped Ivy. "Harvey and I missed you at breakfast. At another restaurant, of course. It was just the two of us, and his two little girlfriends."

"That must have been a barrel of laughs!" chuckled Joker. "Did you ladies compare notes?"

"We didn't talk," replied Ivy, simply. "They don't speak English."

"Wow, really sorry we missed that no doubt incredibly awkward and entertaining meal!" he laughed. "I'm sure Harley and I could have thought of a way to liven things up, eh, Harl?"

"You always know how to excite people, Mr. J," she breathed.

He kissed her cheek. "So where's Harvey now?" he asked.

"Gone back to his hotel to change," she retorted. "They should be joining us shortly. He suggested we spend a day on the beach, and frankly I need the relaxation."

"Oh goody, maybe we can still have some fun after all!" chuckled Joker. "Swimsuit time, Harley girl!

She squeaked in delight, clapping her hands as they stripped off their clothes to reveal their bathing suits underneath. Harley rushed back to the hut and returned a few moments later with a couple towels and an umbrella, which she set up in the sand with the towels unfolded underneath it. She also had a bottle of suntan lotion, which she held out to Joker. "Wanna grease me up, Mr. J?" she giggled.

"Always a pleasure oiling my Harley's gears," he replied, grinning. Ivy felt she really shouldn't be watching this – the way Harley shrieked and groaned as Joker rubbed lotion into her made the whole thing just seem filthy.

He slapped her bottom at last. "All done, kiddo. Go play."

"Don't you want me to return the favor, Mr. J?" she asked. "You know how badly you burn, puddin'."

"Nah, I'll just stay here out of the sun," he replied.

Harley frowned. "But wouldn't it be a good idea to put some on anyway, puddin'? Your skin's so fair and sensitive…"

"Nothing about me is fair and sensitive," retorted Joker. "I said I'll be fine, Harley. Don't nag me."

"I really, really think you should put some on, Mr. J," she said, firmly.

"And when was the last time I cared what you thought?" he retorted. "Just leave it alone, Harley."

"You will burn, Mr. J, and you'll be all cranky just like you always are when you get a sunburn!" she snapped. "And I don't wanna put up with you when you're cranky, so put some on right now!"

"You'll put up with what I tell you to, and like it!" he shouted. "Don't tell me what to do, you worthless dame! Just get out there and have some fun, dammit!"

He seized her and kicked her out onto the beach. "You dumb jerk!" she shouted, standing up and shaking her fist at him. "You can just peel the skin off your back yourself this time!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," he muttered, lying down on the towel and reaching for his book. "You ever read this, Pammie? The title's kinda misleading. It ain't very funny, just sorta a long poem. I keep waiting for the punchline."

Ivy looked over to see he was reading Dante's _The Divine Comedy_. "I don't think it's meant to be funny, J," she retorted. "I think it's a metaphor. Or maybe comedy was just different back in the 14th-century. Like how stuff that was funny in the 20s isn't funny today."

"Hey, the silent comics were hilarious," retorted Joker. "Chaplain and Keaton were goddamn geniuses, and I won't hear a word against them."

"Well, you're of that generation though, aren't you, J?" asked Ivy, grinning. "An older generation that appreciates the older comedians. Y'know, safe, bland, inoffensive comedy."

"There's nothing bland about slapstick!" he growled. "It's people in pain – what could possibly be funnier? Here, I'll show you. Harley!" he shouted, reaching for a good-sized pebble. "Think fast!" he shouted, throwing it at her. It struck her in the side of the head and she shrieked, falling over. Joker burst out laughing. "See, Pammie?" he gasped in between laughs. "Hysterical!"

"You ok, Harley?" exclaimed Ivy, getting up and rushing over to her.

"Yeah," muttered Harley, rubbing her head. "It ain't funny, Mr. J!" she shouted.

"Don't tell me what isn't funny, you stupid girl!" he shouted back. "Or I'll come over there and show Pammie some real slapstick by slapping you around!"

"You can't – you'll get sunburned!" she retorted. "Cause you got skin like a girl!"

He stood up and Harley giggled. "Time for some fun, Red!" she exclaimed. She ran down the beach, screaming in delight, as Joker chased after her. He caught her at last, throwing her down onto the sand and holding her head under the water.

"J, stop it!" cried Ivy.

"Relax, Pammie, Harley enjoys a little suffocation," he retorted, grinning. "Doncha, pooh?" he asked, dragging her up by her hair. She choked and sputtered, gasping for air, but nodded.

"Rightaroonie, Mr. J!" she gasped.

"That's my girl!" he chuckled, shoving her head underwater again. He laughed and Ivy sighed, leaving them to it and returning to her beach chair. She lay back down, shutting her eyes and trying to ignore the clown's laughter.

"Hi, Pammie," growled a familiar voice.

"Hello, Harvey," she sighed, opening her eyes again to see Two-Face dressed in swimming trunks, half black and half white, with the two women accompanying him, dressed in bikinis. "Good to see you're still enjoying the local culture," she muttered.

Two-Face ignored her, laying his towel down and sitting on it while the two women began applying sunscreen to him. "Why is J drowning Harley?" he asked, noticing them.

"Because they think it's cute," retorted Ivy.

He shrugged. "Just as long as they keep taking it out on each other and not anyone else," he growled, lying down. "My reputation here has already been pretty damaged from the incident last night. I don't want them to ruin it completely."

"Harvey!" exclaimed Joker, as he and Harley returned to the chairs, dripping wet. "Good to see you again! And buon giorno to the two senoritas too! You three have a good night?"

"Yeah, it was nice, thanks, J," replied Two-Face. "You and Harley sleep well?"

"Didn't get much sleeping done, Harv," he chuckled. "And neither did Pammie, I imagine."

"I was right next door," explained Ivy, smiling without humor.

"You should try getting a room at my hotel," said Two-Face. "I'll ask if they're booked up, if you want."

"Thank you, Harvey, but I can handle my own accomodation," snapped Ivy.

"Just trying to help," he muttered.

"Well, I don't need your help!" she snapped. "I'm not some helpless, dependent, dumb blonde like Harley!"

"Hey! I ain't dumb!" retorted Harley, angrily. "And I ain't a natural blonde!"

"Could have fooled me on both counts," retorted Ivy.

"Y'know, Red, you got a real attitude problem ever since coming here!" snapped Harley. "Maybe the sun ain't good for you after all!"

"I've got an attitude problem, Harley, because I spend my life dealing with you people and your personal melodramas, and all I wanted on this vacation was to spend a few brief weeks relaxing by myself! I just want some time alone!"

"Yeah, well, you're gonna end up alone at this rate!" retorted Harley. "Guys don't like girls with attitude problems!"

"Are you giving me relationship advice?" snarled Ivy. "You, Little Miss Pathetic, who'll take any abuse this disgusting creep deals out because you're so completely dependent on his approval?"

"At least I got a man!" she shouted. "You couldn't even keep Harvey, and he's got plenty to offer a girl! And I don't just mean emotionally!"

"I told you not to mention it again!" shouted Joker, slapping her across the face.

"Everyone just calm down!" growled Two-Face. "I don't want anymore fighting! We don't want a repeat of last night, do we?"

"Speak for yourself, Harv," replied Joker, grinning. "I thought it was a blast! But maybe you're right – it's neither the time nor the place for an encore. Now, pooh bear, the plant's just cranky 'cause she ain't been watered enough recently," said Joker, patting Harley's head. "You mustn't mind a thing she says – that's just the desperation and loneliness talking. Now go play in the sand, like a good girl," he said, kissing her.

Harley squeaked happily and cuddled him. "I'm gonna build a sandcastle, puddin'!" she exclaimed. "You wanna help me build a sandcastle?"

"Daddy will watch from here, pumpkin pie," he replied, lying down and picking up his book again.

"Ok. You will watch me, won't you, Mr. J?" she pressed.

"Of course, cupcake, you have my undivided attention," he replied, keeping his eyes fixed on the book. "Off you go, baby."

She rushed off happily. Two-Face noticed the book Joker was reading. "Didn't figure you for a poetry kinda guy, J," he said, surprised.

"I ain't," he retorted.

"Then why are you reading Dante?" he asked, puzzled.

"Cause I didn't know it was a goddamn poem!" snapped Joker. "I ain't ever heard of it before, and the title sounded promising!"

"You ain't ever heard of Dante?" asked Two-Face, surprised.

"Look, college boy, some of us didn't swan around in fancy schools most of our lives on Mommy and Daddy's money!" shouted Joker.

"And to be fair, even attending college doesn't guarantee an intelligent person," said Ivy. "I mean, look at Harley."

"Are you watching, Mr. J?" called Harley, waving at him.

"Course I am, you dumb broad!" he shouted, ignoring her. "So why don't you shut up, Harv, or talk your fancy Spanish with the babes, and just mind your own goddamn business! Jerk," he muttered, returning his attention to the book.

Two-Face stared at him, then shrugged and lay back down, speaking Portuguese to the women. Ivy sighed and shut her eyes, hoping for a nap, however brief.

"Puddin'!" called Harley.

"That's a great sandcastle, baby," replied Joker, not looking up from his book.

"No, puddin', I ain't started the sandcastle yet!" she exclaimed.

"Well, get to work, you lazy waste of space!" he snapped.

"I can't, puddin'!" she whined. "You have to come see!"

"Pammie, go see what she wants, will ya?" he asked Ivy.

"I'm not puddin'," she retorted, dryly.

"Puddin'!" whined Harley again, stamping her foot.

"All right, all right, keep your shirt on, you useless, clingy, needy…" he muttered, standing up and coming over to where she stood near the water's edge. "What?" he snapped. "What is it?"

She pointed into the water, her face white. He looked and saw a fish swimming in the shallows. "Yeah?" he snapped. "So? It ain't a shark or anything!"

"I don't like fish, Mr. J," she whispered, pale. "I can't go in there and get wet sand if there's gonna be fish!"

"Yeah, well there are a lotta fish in the ocean, baby," he retorted. "What do you want me to do about it?"

"I dunno," she murmured, tears in her eyes. "I wanna build a sandcastle, baby! But I can't because of the stupid fish!" She sobbed, burying her face in his chest and crying.

He sighed. "Don't cry, pumpkin, Daddy will make it all better," he said, patting her head. "He'll make all the nasty fish go away. You just stay here, my silly little girl. I'll be right back with a surprise."

He left the beach and Harley returned to the others. "Where's J gone?" asked Ivy, opening her eyes.

"To get something to make the fish go away," replied Harley, beaming. "Cause I don't like them. Mr. J's such a thoughtful guy!" she sighed.

"What do you mean make the fish go away?" asked Two-Face, sitting up in alarm.

"I can't go in the water to get wet sand for my sandcastle, because there are fish, and I don't like fish," explained Harley, patiently. "So Mr. J is gonna make them go away."

"How?" demanded Two-Face.

"It's a surprise!" exclaimed Harley, beaming. "I just love Mr. J's surprises!" she said, clapping her hands and giggling. "Can't wait!"

"That doesn't sound good," muttered Two-Face, standing up. "We have to find him and stop him before he causes another disaster."

"We?" repeated Ivy. "I'm not doing anything. I'm spending today relaxing on the beach. You can have your little girlfriends help you find him."

"Pam, I'm really not in the mood to argue," growled Two-Face.

"And I'm really not in the mood to chase after J and prevent one of his stupid schemes," retorted Ivy. "You go, Harvey, if you care. But I'm not moving."

"Pam, I'm asking you as a friend," he snapped.

"We are not friends!" she shouted. "At the moment I don't want any friends because they can't seem to leave me alone! You are the man I made the unfortunate mistake of dating once, and have regretted every day since! I don't owe you anything! So go chase after the lunatic if you want, but don't expect me to help you with it!"

Two-Face stared at her, then growled and stormed off with the women following him. "Gee, Red, that was a little harsh, don't you think?" asked Harley.

"Just shut up, Harley, I heard enough from you last night!" she growled.

"Fine," sniffed Harley. "I don't need you. I'm going with Harvey to find Mr. J. You stay here and enjoy being alone, Red. You'd better get used to that, after all."

Ivy tried to think of something hurtful to say back, but she was too tired to be witty. She shut her eyes and sighed, trying to fall back asleep. But as the minutes and hours passed, she found she just couldn't drop off. Somewhere deep inside her, her conscience reprimanded her for being cruel to Two-Face and Harley. They hadn't done anything to deserve that, not really. If anyone deserved her anger, it was J. She shouldn't have taken it out on those two like that.

She sighed again and opened her eyes at last, intending to go find them and apologize. But she didn't need to. As she stood up, she saw the Joker by the water's edge, whistling to himself as he poured a tank of something into the ocean.

"What are you doing, J?" Ivy demanded, rushing over to him.

"Getting rid of the fish," he replied, nodding at the tank. It was full of liquid Joker toxin which spilled out into the water and dyed it bright green. As she watched, bodies of dead fish bobbed to the surface of the water, poisoned by the toxin.

"Guess there ain't plenty of fish left in the sea for you, eh, Pammie?" he chuckled.

He continued laughing as the toxin spread out into the ocean for miles, and the dead fish followed in its wake. "J, what the hell are you doing?!" shouted Two-Face, running over to him across the beach with Harley at his heels.

"Look, pooh, the fish are all gone!" he replied, ignoring Two-Face and beaming at Harley. "You can build your sandcastle now, baby!"

"Aw, Mr. J, you're just the greatest!" exclaimed Harley, leaping into his arms and giggling. "Destroying a whole ecosystem just for me! I'm a lucky, lucky girl!"

"You can't just…you can't…you did…why did you…" stammered Two-Face, staring at the destruction in disbelief.

"Aw, c'mon, Harv, you gotta admit, it's kinda pretty all glowing and green, ain't it?" asked Joker, grinning. "Kinda romantic, eh, Harley girl?" he murmured, smiling at her.

"It sure is, Mr. J," she breathed, kissing him.

"And all the dead fish is making me hungry," he continued. "Should we go to dinner?" he asked, turning to the other two.

Two-Face gaped at him, then growled. "Yeah, let's beat it before they realize it's our fault," he muttered, hurrying away. "Though it won't take the World's Greatest Detective to figure it out. C'mon, everyone."

Two-Face and Ivy were silent at dinner, glaring at Joker and Harley as she cooed over him, ruffling his hair and feeding him from her plate while planting little kisses on his face.

"Where are your dames tonight, Harv?" asked Joker, grinning. "Did you fail to live up to expectation?"

"They're at the hotel," he growled. "I don't want anyone here associating you with me more than necessary."

"Then why are you at dinner with me?" he asked, grinning.

"So I can keep an eye on you," growled Two-Face. "I don't know what kinda trouble you could get up to on your own. Somebody has to keep you in line."

Joker chuckled. "Nobody's been able to do that yet, Harvey!" he laughed. "I'm a wild card! That's why I'm the Joker! Spontaneous and unpredictable!"

"And gorgeous," purred Harley, nuzzling his face.

"I thought you were on vacation!" snapped Two-Face. "Can't you take one day off from being the Joker? And just be, I dunno, a regular guy on vacation?!"

"A regular guy?" repeated Joker, astonished. "I don't mind telling you, Harv, I'm a little insulted! Me, a regular guy! Wouldn't even know how to begin acting like that!" he chuckled.

"I love my puddin' just the way he is," murmured Harley in adoration. "Don't try to change him, Harvey, he's just perfect."

Two-Face opened his mouth to argue more, when the man at the bar announced in English, "Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for our karaoke session. If anyone would like to sing, please come to the bar now."

"Karaoke!" shrieked Harley, leaping to her feet excitedly. "I love karaoke! C'mon, Mr. J, let's go!" she cried, seizing his arm and dragging him off toward the bar.

The moment they were gone, Two-Face turned to Ivy. "Pam, you have to help me control the clowns," he muttered. "I don't want them completely ruining my reputation here. I've been coming to this place for years, and I don't wanna have to stop because of those lunatics."

"Control the clowns?" repeated Ivy. "You're asking the impossible, Harvey."

"Look, Pam, I know we're not friends…"

"I wanted to apologize for saying that, actually, Harvey," interrupted Ivy. "I didn't mean it – I was just cranky because I was tired. I'm sorry. We are friends, well, I guess we are anyway, if you think of me as one. And I don't regret dating you. Not at all, in fact."

She fell silent, and the feeling in the air was slightly awkward before Two-Face cleared his throat. "Well, thanks, Pammie. And of course we're friends. And I do need your help with the clowns. You know them better than I do – isn't there any way you know to control them, even a little?"

"Believe me, Harvey, I've tried," replied Ivy. "And no, no way I've discovered. Just pray things don't get much worse. I don't see how they can."

"Whaddya mean we can't do that song?!" shouted Joker suddenly, seizing the barman by the collar. "My little girl wants to sing it, and what my doll wants, my doll gets, comprehende, sport?!"

"It's not on the machine…" began the barman.

"Then get some of these losers to play it!" shouted Joker, gesturing to the band who had been playing background music over dinner. "Can't be too hard to figure out – it ain't Beethoven! You guys!" he shouted, turning to the band and pulling out his gun. "_You're the One That I Want_ from _Grease. _Play it, Sam!"

Under the threat of violence, the band actually did a commendable, impromptu performance of the duet, and Joker and Harley sang their respective parts with surprisingly precise swing dance moves, almost as if they'd practiced and prepared it beforehand. When the song was over, even Ivy was impressed, and burst into applause. At least until Joker started suddenly shooting up the room and most people in it, laughing maniacally.

"What the hell are you doing?!" shouted Two-Face, furious, over the gunfire.

"Ain't that how the movie ends?" Joker asked, as he stopped shooting, genuinely puzzled. "With a bloody massacre?"

"No, of course that's not how _Grease _ends!" shouted Ivy.

"Huh. Must have misremembered the film," Joker said, shrugging. "Or maybe it was just how I wanted it to end. It's how I want most movies to end!" he chuckled. "And most evenings, in fact! Like this one! What a perfect day! C'mon, pooh bear, let's hit the sack. All that singing and dancing and mayhem really takes it out of you, don't you think?"

"Yeah, it does, Mr. J," sighed Harley, yawning. "See ya tomorrow, Red and Harvey. Night night!"

Two-Face and Ivy stared after them. "If you find some way to control them, you can have my hotel room," growled Two-Face. "And I'll sleep in the hut next to them."

"Done," said Ivy, shaking his hand.


	4. Chapter 4

Ivy's plan for controlling the clowns was very simple – take them into the Rainforest, entrap them in some vines, keep them there until the vacation was over, at which point she would release them. She was sure they could survive until then, and if not, she was past caring at this point. Harley had once again kept her awake by screaming about revving her up all night, so she deserved whatever she got. And she had wished for Joker's painful death on numerous occasions. If it finally came to pass, it would only be for the best for everyone.

So the next morning, bright and early, Ivy dressed and went over to knock on their door. "Beat it!" shouted Joker.

"J, it's me," said Ivy. "Harvey and I are taking a trip to the Rainforest today if you wanna come with us."

"Pammie, I know you're stupid, but I didn't know you were deaf as well," snapped Joker. "I said beat it! Harley and I didn't get much sleep last night and you don't wanna see us cranky, trust me!"

"Yeah, I didn't get much sleep either, thanks," retorted Ivy. "But it'll be a once in a lifetime opportunity, J. And it just wouldn't be the same without both of you there."

"I'm going to use some strong language, Pammie, because apparently you're too thick to get the message without it. Fuc…"

"Hang on, Mr. J." And a second later the door opened and Harley stood there, dressed in a red bathrobe and beaming at her. "You mean that, Red?" she asked. "You really want us there?"

"Course I do, Harley," replied Ivy. "Why does that seem strange?"

"Just all your talk earlier about how you wanted to be alone on this vacation and how you didn't want us around and everything," said Harley. "I'm just so glad you changed your mind. I think we've all had a lot of fun together so far, haven't we, Red?"

"Oh, it's been a laugh riot," replied Ivy, forcing a smile.

Harley smiled back. "It's nice to hear you say that, Red," she replied. "It's nice to feel appreciated. And I appreciate you, Red, I really do," she said, hugging her tightly. "C'mon, Mr. J, let's get dressed," she said, turning to the bed. Joker had the pillow over his face and growled.

"You go if you want, Harley. I'm staying here."

"Hey, she said she wanted _us _there, you jerk!" snapped Harley. "Both of us! It's Red's vacation too – the least we can do is make her happy!"

"I'm not in the mood to go traipsing through the jungle!" he shouted, ripping the pillow from his face.

"Wow, J, you really do burn easily," said Ivy, shocked at how red his normally white face was.

"Gee, thanks for pointing that out, Captain Obvious!" he snapped. "Now get lost!" he shouted, rolling over.

Harley looked at him, then turned back to Ivy, smiling. "Scuse me for just a second, Red," she said, shutting the door.

Ivy heard lots of muffled shouting, followed by the sound of punches, and objects, presumably Harley or Joker, or both, being thrown against the wall. This fighting and shouting went on for some time until Ivy sighed and knocked again. "J, the Rainforest is a really beautiful place that's really special to me. I just wanted you both to share my happiness at seeing it. But if you don't want to, that's fine, Harvey and me will go on our own. Just thought as someone who likes to spread joy and laughter, you'd enjoy seeing this place that's so important to me, and so close to my heart."

The door was thrown open, and Joker stood there, fully dressed and smiling, despite the cuts that covered his sunburnt face. "We'd love to come, Pammie, of course," he said, beaming. "C'mon, Harley, hurry up! The plants won't wait!"

"Coming, Mr. J!" said Harley, limping over to join him at the door, covered in bruises.

"Nothing starts the day right like a good, old-fashioned fight, eh, Harley girl?" he laughed as they followed Ivy away from the huts.

"That's right, Mr. J," she agreed, beaming at him and kissing him. Then she clapped a hand to her mouth. "Almost forgot my camera! Back in a second!"

"Harvey's going to drive us in his car – should be picking us up soon," said Ivy as Harley rushed off.

"You two have got this pretty well planned out. Spend a lot of time organizing it last night after we went to bed?" asked Joker, casually.

"We did organize it last night, yes," agreed Ivy. "Had to go to a different bar though, obviously."

"Could have gone to his hotel room, I'm sure," said Joker.

"For the last time, J, we're not here as a couple!" shouted Ivy. "Anyway, his room contained two other women, last I checked! Could have been awkward for everyone!"

"Oh, c'mon, Pammie, you're seriously trying to tell me you're not adventurous in that way?" he chuckled. "I have heard stories, y'know."

"You shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet, J," retorted Ivy. "Not that you even know how to use the internet, because you're ancient. I've heard stories too, stories that you're past your prime as a criminal. That people think Gotham's Clown Prince of Crime needs a reinvention, a makeover for a younger generation. If you're not careful, you'll end up with your face cut off and put on someone else."

"I hardly think that's likely, Pammie," he retorted. "I'm the joke that just never gets old. Everybody loves classic Joker."

"Especially me," sighed Harley, returning with her camera hanging around her neck. She kissed his cheek fondly as Two-Face suddenly drove up in a Land Rover.

"Y'see!" exclaimed Harley, gesturing to it as Two-Face got out and opened the doors for them. "That's a compensation car! You can see why I thought Harvey had a small wang, can't ya, Mr. J?"

Joker hit her again, hard. "For the last time, stop talking about it!" he shouted.

"We'll need an all-terrain vehicle for going through the jungle," growled Two-Face. "It's just practical, nothing else. And good morning to you too, Harley."

"Morning, Harv!" she replied, beaming and rubbing her cheek. "And I'm sorry for thinking you were less of a man all these years. Thought Red must have been mooning over nothing…"

Ivy raised her hand to hit her this time, but Joker beat her to it, striking Harley again and snapping, "Get in the goddamn car, you useless dame!"

"Morning, J," said Two-Face as Joker climbed in the backseat after Harley. "Caught a bit of sun, I see."

Joker didn't respond except to growl at him. "Morning, Pammie," Two-Face muttered, avoiding her eyes.

"Morning, Harvey," she replied, going around the other side of the car and getting into the front seat. Two-Face got in and drove off. There was silence for a long time.

"That was a really impressive performance you gave last night," said Two-Face at last, turning to Joker and Harley.

Joker giggled. "That's what she said this morning," he laughed, nodding at Harley.

"And I didn't mean the singing and dancing," murmured Harley, gazing at him, adoringly.

"He knows! That's the joke, you dumb blonde!" shouted Joker, his face suddenly falling. "You don't explain the joke, or there is no joke, I've told you a thousand times!"

"I _did _mean the singing and dancing," continued Two-Face, ignoring them. "Didn't know you could do either, J."

"Puddin' can do anything he puts his mind to," sighed Harley, dreamily. "I thought you were just like John Travolta, Mr. J."

"Yeah, I guess I am," agreed Joker. "Except he's a scientologist, so nuttier than me. A whole heap of crazy, those guys."

"You relate to the story of _Grease _much, Harley?" asked Ivy, dryly. "The story of a perfectly capable and intelligent young woman who twists herself into whatever fantasy the man she's after wants fulfilled, abandoning her own dreams and hopes and personality in favor of satisfying him?"

"Y'know, Red, I never thought about it like that before," said Harley, impressed. "But I guess it is kinda our story, huh, Mr. J? A good girl turned into a bad girl by a very bad boy," she murmured, nuzzling Joker's face.

"Except the guy in it is actually young and attractive," retorted Ivy. "Two things your Danny Zuko is missing, Harl."

"Got the hair though," retorted Harley, ruffling his brylcreemed hair fondly. "Cept it's green and all."

"Is that why you do your hair like that, J?" asked Ivy. "Because you're from the 50s and you still think it looks cool?"

"It do look cool!" snapped Harley. "So what if it ain't fashionable anymore? That don't mean he ain't just the cutest, most handsome, most gorgeous man you ever saw," she breathed, leaning forward to kiss him.

"Just get off, Harley!" Joker snapped, shoving her away. "I ain't some punk kid from some crap musical!"

"See? J agrees with me. He's too old for the role," said Ivy, smiling smugly.

"Y'know what would be great?" said Harley, her eyes shining in excitement. "The next time we're all back together in Arkham, we should maybe put on a production of _Grease_! Mr. J and me could be Danny and Sandy, you could be Rizzo, Red, and Harvey could be Kenickie…"

"We're not a couple!" shouted Ivy and Two-Face at exactly the same time.

"Ok, ok, geez, don't be so touchy, you would just be playing a part," muttered Harley. "I think it would be a lotta fun! What do you think, Mr. J?" she asked, beaming at him.

"I think I'll only do it if we can end it with a bloody massacre, like last night," replied Joker.

"Um…ok…puddin', we could always rewrite it, I guess," said Harley, slowly. "Who would massacre them, Mr. J?"

He shrugged. "The Commies, I guess? They were a big problem back then."

"You'd remember," snorted Ivy.

"Maybe have a Soviet air-raid, a helicoptor on stage or something," continued Joker, ignoring her. "Whaddya think, pooh?"

"How would we do that at Arkham, puddin'?" she asked.

"I dunno, Harl, it's your bright idea," he retorted. "You figure it out."

She nodded and looked out the window, humming _Greased Lightning_. "You'd look really hot in tight black leather, Mr. J," she sighed at last, wistfully.

"I will literally pay anything never to see that," growled Two-Face.

"Agreed," retorted Ivy. "Why don't you stop thinking, Harley, and just enjoy the scenery? It's really beautiful here."

"Yeah, it really is!" exclaimed Harley, reaching for her camera. "We ain't got views like this in Gotham!"

"It's all a bit too green and fresh for me, pumpkin," replied Joker. "Y'know, sunshine, clean air, it ain't really for me."

"Yeah, you can't really handle sun very well, can you, J?" asked Ivy, grinning.

"I told him to put on some sunscreen," said Harley. "Or he'd be cranky. And you are cranky, ain't ya, puddin'?" she murmured, pinching his cheek.

"Just shut up, you dumb blonde," he muttered.

"It ain't just his face," she continued. "He's pretty red everywhere. But if I'm honest, I kinda enjoy picking sheets of dead skin off his back. It's just so erotic, really, ripping that soft, tender flesh away from his spine, slowly, slowly peeling it down, away from the firm muscles underneath…ooh, baby, I'm getting excited just thinking about it!" she giggled, cuddling him.

"Pammie, tell me I can stop the car soon, because I think I need to vomit," muttered Two-Face.

"Yeah, Harv, anywhere you want along here," said Ivy.

They stopped driving and everyone got out. The jungle was all around them, living, breathing with hundreds of varieties of plants and animals scurrying and rustling around. To Ivy, this was truly paradise, and she took a deep breath, savoring the silence and the beauty.

"What a dump," said Joker loudly, looking around. "All dirty and muddy and damp. It's disgusting."

"Aw, don't be such a grump, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, looking around and beaming. "It's beautiful, just beautiful!" And she began snapping picture after picture, setting off the flash each time. "C'mon, puddin', pose for one! Gimme a smile!" she said, turning to him and flashing the camera in his face.

"Jesus Christ, Harley, you nearly blinded me!" he snapped, shoving her away. "Go torture someone else for once, will ya?"

"Red? Picture? C'mon, let me get one of you and Harv," she said, smiling at them.

"We ain't…" began Two-Face.

"She knows," interrupted Ivy. "And if she doesn't by now, there's no point repeating it."

She posed for one photo and then slipped away while Harley was still attempting to get a picture of the Joker. Their annoying voices receded into the distance as she got deeper into the Rainforest, enjoying the atmosphere, and more importantly, the quiet.

She reached a clearing, where she felt the plants around her breathing, communicating, yearning. "Hello, babies," she murmured. "It's been a long time. But Mommy's home."

They came rushing toward her, vines, leaves, plants of all kinds, clinging and caressing her. Ivy sighed at their touch, feeling safe, feeling whole and one, feeling loved. "Mommy needs a favor," she whispered. "She needs you to keep a few meatbags here so Mommy can have some peace and quiet. You'll do that for Mommy, won't you, babies?"

They whispered to her, assured her, embracing her. For once since this vacation had started, Ivy felt truly happy, relaxed, and at peace. "Thank you, babies," she whispered.

"Red, we wondered where you…had…gone…" Harley trailed off as she, Joker, and Two-Face stumbled upon the sight of Ivy being clung to and caressed by plant-life. "Oh…my…God…" stammered Harley, her eyes wide.

"Jesus Christ," muttered Two-Face, astonished.

"Well, this is awkward," chuckled Joker. "Sorry to disturb you, Pammie! Didn't know you were _in flagrante_ with the plants!"

"It's not like that," snapped Ivy as the plants receded.

"Sure it ain't!" laughed Joker. "This is the real reason you wanted to be alone on vacation, ain't it, Pammie? I thought it was for you and Harvey, but I can see you prefer your companions less human. It's a bit of a kinky fetish, I'm not gonna lie, but I ain't a man to judge, though it might be the most disgusting thing I've ever seen."

"The only digusting thing here is you!" shrieked Ivy. "And I'm sick of you ruining my vacation! Anytime I get even the slightest chance for a little peace and quiet, you have to come along and ruin it! Well, you're not going to do it anymore! I'm not taking it anymore! You're going to…"

"Bat!" shouted Joker, whipping out his gun and firing behind Ivy's head. She turned, expecting to see Batman, and was even more startled to see an actual bat flying away from them.

"J, what are you…"

"I don't like bats!" he shouted, rushing after it and shooting at it with Harley running behind him, snapping photos. Ivy and Two-Face chased after them until the bat disappeared into the treetops. Joker chuckled. "Scaredy bat! Scaredy bat! You can't hide from Uncle Joker! Come out, come out, wherever you are!" he called, studying the trees.

"J, this is a nature reserve," growled Two-Face. "You can't just go around randomly shooting animals!"

"Maybe you can't, Harv," retorted Joker. "I can do whatever I want on my vacation, as I think I explained earlier. Anyway, did you see the size of that monster? It's probably a vampire bat. I'd be doing everyone a favor by killing it."

"Vampire bat!" shrieked Harley, terrified. She clutched Joker's arm tightly. "It's gonna suck my blood, puddin'! Don't let it suck my blood, Mr. J! You have to protect me!"

"There, there, pumpkin pie, Daddy will kill the mean old nasty bat, don't worry," said Joker, patting her head.

"Vampire bats don't even drink human blood!" shouted Ivy. "And they're protected, J, because they're endangered, like most things in the Rainforest! So put the gun away before you do some real damage!"

"Don't worry, Pammie, I'll try not hit any of your lovers," chuckled Joker. He fired up into the canopy of trees, but no bat appeared. "He's playing Batsy's game of hiding in the shadows," he chuckled, reaching into his jacket. "And the Lord said let there be light!"

And before Ivy could stop him, he threw a grenade into the trees. It exploded, taking out a mass of plants. Ivy heard and felt each one of them shriek and writhe in agony and she fell to her knees, gasping from the pain.

"Red! Red, what is it? Are you ok?" cried Harley, rushing over to her in concern.

Ivy couldn't prevent herself from crying anymore. The pain was too overwhelming. "You…" she breathed, looking up at Joker through her tears. "You…evil…monster! They've done nothing to you, and you…you…destroy them like this! My babies! My precious babies!"

She sobbed. "Red…" said Harley, trying to hug her, but she shoved her away.

"Leave me alone! All of you! Just leave me alone!"

She rushed off, sobbing. Before she was quite out of range of hearing, she heard a shot, and Joker's triumphant exclamation of "Got him!"

She ran faster, trying to lose herself in the tangle of plants and foliage. Trying to forget that she ever had to deal with the likes of them again. People, horrible, noisy, destructive people, monsters, the lot of them. Hurting her sweet, innocent babies like that, beautiful creatures that had never done anything to hurt anyone. She could feel their agony as real as if it were her own, until at last she fell down on the jungle floor and cried.

She didn't know how long she was was there, but it had grown dark by the time she left the jungle and made her way back to the hut on the beach. She entered it, hearing raised voices from next door. Angry voices, and the sound of fighting. But it could be worse – at least they weren't having sex. Having the fact that she was alone rubbed into her was the only thing that could make today worse.

Suddenly she heard their door slam, and then a rapid knocking on her door. "Red!" called Harley's voice. "Red, are you there?"

Ivy sighed, and went over to let her in. "Hello, Harley," she muttered.

"Oh, Red!" sobbed Harley, leaping into her arms and crying. "I'm so glad you're back!" Ivy was touched that she was so upset over her absence, and hugged her, feeling a little better.

"It's ok, Harley," she murmured. "I'm ok."

"Well, I ain't!" she sobbed. "It's Mr. J! He's such a jerk! He's been in a mood all day, just 'cause he was too stubborn to put on sunscreen, like I told him! And I kept telling him I was right, and I told him he'd be cranky, which he is, and now…now he's kicked me out, Red!" she sobbed.

Ivy stared at her. "Harley…you're not upset because I was missing, are you?"

"Huh? Oh, sure I was, Red," she replied. "But then this happened and it's even worse! The worst thing in the world! Mr. J's kicked me out! Who knows if he'll want me back! I don't know what I'll do without him, Red! I'll just die!"

Ivy felt her anger growing. "You've come crying to me…because the selfish creep has kicked you out, as usual? You're glad I'm back because I'm your little shoulder to cry on, is that it?"

"Well…yeah, Red," she replied, puzzled. "Don't that make you feel special?"

"It makes me feel used!" she shouted. "I'm not here just to deal with your constant personal melodramas, Harley! I came here to get away from all of that! And I'm still on vacation, dammit! So you sort yourself out, for once!"

And she left her alone in the hut, storming off in the direction of the city. This wasn't something she wanted to do, but she didn't see any other choice at the moment. She would have to see if she could stay with Harvey.

She reached the door of his room and knocked, praying that she wasn't interrupting him with his women. He opened the door a minute later, thankfully fully dressed, and holding a glass of scotch. "Pammie," he said, surprised, and, she thought, relieved. "Glad you're ok."

"Thanks," she retorted. "Can I…um…come in?"

"Yeah, sure," he replied, holding open the door for her. She entered, looking around the nice hotel room. It was, to her surprise, empty of anyone else but Two-Face.

"Where are your girls tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, them," he muttered. "I…um…sent them away."

"Why?" asked Ivy, genuinely surprised. "Isn't that every man's dream, to have two beautiful women who want him?"

"I guess," shrugged Two-Face. "There were three of us when we were together – I didn't like that. I like twos, y'know, pairs. Couples. It just didn't work with three."

He downed his scotch. "You want a drink?" he asked her.

"Yeah, that'd be nice," she replied. He poured a glass for her and another for himself.

"So what brings you here?" he asked.

"I was hoping I could sleep on your sofa," she said.

"The clowns at it again?" he asked.

"No, they've had a fight," she retorted. "And I didn't feel like dealing with Harley's emotional breakdown tonight. I'm on vacation."

"Sure, I understand," he replied. "Well, of course you're welcome to sleep here, Pammie. You should have asked a long time ago. Don't like it when you can't sleep – you get cranky."

"I don't think it's just the lack of sleep that makes me cranky," sighed Ivy. "It's been a helluva vacation, Harvey. Everything I wanted to do has been ruined by those two. It's just not fair."

"Well, what did you want to do?" asked Two-Face, sitting down next to her on the sofa.

"I wanted to relax," she replied. "Have some peaceful, quiet time to myself. Which admittedly I did get today, even though I was sobbing my heart out."

"Anything else?" he asked.

"Oh, I wanted to go to the Carnival in Rio," she sighed.

"You can still do that," he said. "Wear a mask. Nobody will be able to find you. J ain't the World's Greatest Detective, y'know."

"Yeah, I know," she said, managing a smile.

"Anything else?" he repeated.

She stared at the glass. "I wanted a fling with a guy," she murmured. "Any guy – it didn't matter who. Just a purely physical thing, y'know, just to enjoy being a woman again. Just to feel that I'm attractive and worth having, and, honestly, just to have some fun. You probably don't understand that."

"Why wouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well…cause you are objectively attractive, I guess," she retorted. "At least, Harley thinks so," she added, grinning.

"Pammie, I'm a man with half a face," he retorted. "Whatever assets I may have otherwise, women don't exactly fall into my arms. Anyway, if either of us is objectively attractive, it's you."

"Is it? It doesn't feel that way sometimes," she murmured.

"Are you kidding?" he murmured. "You're a knockout, Pam. I dated you, remember, and I have excellent taste in women. The first time I saw you, it was like someone had punched me in the gut. I admit I have a thing for redheads, but it ain't just that. It's everything about you – beauty and brains and confidence all rolled together. That's every man's dream."

She did smile, genuinely this time. "You're a sweet guy, Harvey," she murmured. "I forget why we broke up sometimes."

"Because you're also stubborn, defensive, annoying, meddling, nosy, suspicious, bossy, and tyrannical," he retorted. "And because our egos get in the way of our relationships. We don't work as both supervillains and a couple – one of us has to be the dominant one, so we can't be in the same profession. And neither of us is prepared to sacrifice our careers for each other. That's just who we are, I guess."

"I guess," agreed Ivy. "Yeah, I remember why we didn't work now. Still, it wasn't a total loss. We had some fun times, didn't we?"

"Yeah," he agreed. "There was a lotta fun."

They were both silent, sipping their drinks. "Y'know, Pammie, we are on vacation," he said at last. "You remember what I said to J? About asking him to be a regular guy on vacation rather than the Joker?"

"Yeah," she replied. "But I think he was telling the truth, Harv. He can't separate his persona from himself – he _is_ the Joker, and that's all there is to him."

"I know," he replied. "I was just wondering…if we could."

"If we could what?" she asked.

"Separate our personas from ourselves," he replied. "Y'know, not be Poison Ivy and Two-Face for a little while. Just be, for a few short weeks…I dunno. Someone else. A regular guy and a regular girl. A man and a woman. On vacation. Who just met, maybe. Might be nice."

"Yeah," agreed Ivy, slowly. "Yeah, it might be…fun."

He held out his hand to her. "I'm Harvey," he murmured.

"I'm Pamela," she whispered, taking it.

And in a moment, they were in each other's arms, mouths and hands searching and desperate, yet tender. Harvey picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, pressing her gently down onto the sheets as she wrapped her legs around him tightly, mouths never separating. Oh, this was paradise, she thought, as she felt her clothes come off, reaching out to undo his. She was finally having exactly what she wanted on her vacation. Getting away from it all, and having a little fun too. And that, she thought, lying in his arms afterward, was definitely fun.

"You're beautiful, Pamela," he murmured in her ear, kissing her.

"And you, Harvey, are incredible," she whispered, grinning.

"I hope we can do this again sometime," he said, smiling.

"Well, I don't have any other plans for this vacation," she replied, looking up at him. "Would you like to share it with me? It's better than being alone, after all."

"Yeah," he agreed, cuddling her gently. "Yeah, I'd like that."

They kissed tenderly. "Goodnight, Harvey," she whispered, snuggling into his arms.

"Night, Pamela," he whispered, embracing her tightly.

Ivy shut her eyes, safe and secure in his arms, and smiled. This vacation was turning out all right after all.


	5. Chapter 5

They were rudely awoken the next day by a loud knocking on their door. "Harvey! Harvey, are you in there? Are you ok? It's past noon, and Harley and I are worried! Well, Harley is anyway!"

"Ask him about Red, Mr. J!"

"Oh yeah, and have you seen the plant lady, Harv? She's missing too, not that anyone but Harley cares! Harvey?"

"Just keep quiet and ignore them," murmured Two-Face.

The knocking continued. "Harvey, can you hear me? Harvey, answer me! Oh, this is ridiculous! He probably ain't even in there! But just to be on the safe side…stand back, Harley."

A sudden explosion blew the door off its hinges and filled the room with smoke, making both Ivy and Two-Face cough. When the smoke cleared, Joker strode into the room, closely followed by Harley. "See, cupcake, they're not…" he began, but then they both noticed Two-Face and Ivy undressed and lying together in bed. For a moment both couples stared at each other in astonishment. Then Joker started laughing hysterically. "You see, pooh, I'm always right!" he giggled. "Didn't I say they'd come here together for a dirty little fling? And here they are together, the morning after flinging!"

Harley raised her camera and took a picture. "What the hell are you doing?!" snapped Ivy, clutching the bedsheet around her as she ran over and seized the camera from Harley.

"Just thought you'd want the memory," replied Harley, smiling. "And I want proof Mr. J is always right."

"We didn't come here together," growled Two-Face. "This wasn't intentional – it just kinda happened."

"They say good things are planned and great things just happen," replied Joker.

"Who says that?" demanded Ivy.

"I did, just now, Pammie, you deaf?" he retorted. "And it's true – I'm proof of that if anyone is!" he chuckled. "I'm a great thing that just happened! You and Harvey though, maybe not so much."

"I think it's great," growled Two-Face. "So shut your face, clown."

"Oooh, somebody's a little touchy!" chuckled Joker. "Not great, huh, Harv? Not surprising – I don't imagine the plants are too picky."

"I've told you that's not what was going on!" shouted Ivy.

"Yeah, and it sounds to me like a case of the lady doth protesting too much," retorted Joker, grinning. "Hear that, college boy?" he said, turning to Two-Face and grinning. "That's Shakespeare. Who's uneducated now?"

"Puddin's such a smart, clever, handsome guy!" sighed Harley, leaning adoringly on his arm.

"You two seem to have made up at least," commented Ivy.

"Oh yeah," sighed Harley. "I got to peel Mr. J's sunburn," she grinned, giggling.

"Glad to hear you addressed the real issues in your relationship so you can avoid future fights," retorted Ivy, sarcastically.

"Geez, it's no wonder you can't hold down a boyfriend, Pammie," retorted Joker. "Relationships aren't about serious talk – they're about fun!"

Ivy opened her mouth to argue, then shut it, nodding slowly. "I guess at the moment, I'm inclined to agree with you," she said, smiling at Two-Face.

"Any set plans for today, J, or can Pamela and I go back to bed?" asked Two-Face, kissing her.

"Pamela?" repeated Joker. "Wow, there's a name that don't suit her. No, you and _Pamela_ can do whatever you want. But you'll miss all the fun. I've acquired a boat."

He left the room, giggling and rubbing his hands, and Harley made to follow. "How did J acquire a boat?" asked Ivy.

"How does anyone acquire a boat?" retorted Harley. "He shot the guy who owned it and took it. Quick, and no messy paperwork to deal with. Hey, wait up, Mr. J!" she cried, rushing after him.

Two-Face sighed. "Another mess I'm going to have to deal with eventually."

"Not yet, though," murmured Ivy. "I thought you were on vacation, Mr. Former D.A."

"Don't think I ever told you I was a D.A., Pamela," he replied, grinning, as he pushed her back down on the bed.

"Lucky guess, Harvey," she murmured, kissing him. Things were about to escalate when suddenly something fell through the glass ceiling, landing in front of the bed.

"Batman!" cried Ivy, hurrying to cover herself. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

"I'm…sorry," stammered Batman, looking away, embarrassed. "I didn't know you were…um…sorry."

"Yeah, you'd better be," growled Two-Face. "I hope it teaches you not to just drop in on people like that! Now beat it, Bats! We ain't done anything wrong! We're on vacation!"

"Then how do you explain the sudden burst of criminal activity in this otherwise peaceful area?" demanded Batman.

"Jesus Christ, Bats, I thought you were the World's Greatest Detective!" shouted Two-Face. "The Joker toxin in the water should have been a big clue for you, Sherlock! It's obviously the clown's fault! Why don't you go find him and leave us alone?!"

"I…thought they'd be with you," retorted Batman.

"We ain't those kind of couples, Bats," snapped Ivy. "They're on a boat somewhere. Go find them and get lost. And when we next see you, I expect an apology."

"Yeah…thanks…sorry again," stammered Batman, heading for the door.

"Unbelievable," growled Two-Face as he left. "Thinking he can just crash in anywhere. Ain't the guy ever heard of privacy?"

"He's just a selfish jerk," snapped Ivy. "I hope J kills him this time, I really do."

Ivy's hopes didn't come true, although she and Two-Face did enjoy a very pleasant afternoon. At least until Batman returned to the hotel, dragging a handcuffed Joker and Harley behind him, and, after a brief fight, arrested Ivy and Two-Face as an accessory to crime. He then summoned the Batwing and managed to squeeze them all inside.

"This ain't fair, Bats, I'm on vacation!" protested Joker. "What happens in Brazil stays in Brazil, that's what I heard!"

"Crime doesn't take a vacation," growled Batman, as the plane lifted off and headed back towards America.

"The hell it don't!" shouted Harley. "You don't appreciate how hard we work the rest of the year, Bats! We deserve a little time to cut loose now and then!"

Batman didn't respond. Ivy glared at him. "I'm waiting for you to apologize again," she snapped.

"Sorry," he muttered.

"What for?" asked Joker.

"Bat-brain decided it would be fun to drop in on Harvey and me unannounced," she retorted.

"I said I was sorry," he repeated.

"I think he's just a bit of a pervert," growled Two-Face. "He ever disturbed you like that, J?"

Joker nodded. "Once. Think we scarred him, though. He hasn't done it again anyway."

"Bet he ain't ever seen a whoopie cushion used like that, huh, Mr. J?" giggled Harley.

"I suspect Batsy hasn't seen a lot of things, pooh," retorted Joker. "Why else would a man dress up like a flying rodent and go around repressing people if he wasn't massively repressed himself? Either he's got nothing better to do with his time, or he's just not getting any."

"Yeah, so he spies on other people instead," growled Two-Face. "You're right, J, he's a real sicko."

Batman tried to ignore the fact that they were talking about him, keeping his eyes fixed on the skyline and tightening his hands on the joystick. Harley suddenly giggled, clapping her hands enthusiastically.

"We're being taken back to Arkham, Mr. J!" she cried, hugging him. "Y'know what that means, doncha, puddin'?"

"I have to endure the ink blot tests again, and revise my definitions of tedium and boredom?" he asked.

"No! It means we can put on our musical! You'll tell the doctors to let us do it, won't you, Bats?" she asked. "All of us inmates wanna put on a production of _Grease_. There's no harm in that, is there?"

Batman nodded slowly. "Not that I can see. It might be a good outlet for the theatrical bents each of you clearly have."

"There's only one guy who's bent in this plane," growled Two-Face.

"I mean you all have leanings toward the theatrical," retorted Batman. "Why else would you have the elaborate personas?"

"You wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Bats?" asked Joker, grinning. "But yeah, it might be fun, pooh. But we'll need to rewrite the ending the way I want it."

"Don't worry, puddin', I got a good idea about that," said Harley, grinning at him. "I'll tell you back at Arkham. Wouldn't want to spoil the surprise for Batsy. You will come see it, won't you, Bats?"

"Of course he will, pumpkin," replied Joker, smiling at Batman. "He wants to see how all our energies can be directed towards making people smile and laugh through the magic of song and dance, don't you, Batsy? Wouldn't that justify your faith in humanity? Plus you're a musical fan, ain't you, Bats? I can tell. Probably got all the Rogers and Hammerstein records back at the Batcave. Probably listens to _The Sound of Music_ when he's working out. That Julie Andrews has got a swell voice, ain't she? _Maiming and murder and full mutilation, bombs and explosions and near strangulation, children all screaming when shot in a ring, these are a few of my favorite things! When the Bat strikes, when the shocks sting, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad_! It really does work, doesn't it?" he chuckled. "I'm feeling better already!"

"We should practice a song from the show," said Harley. "Red, you wanna sing _Sandra Dee_?"

"Sure do, Harley," she replied, grinning. "Do you mind if I do a lyric change?"

"Hey, it's your role, baby, you own it anyway you like," replied Harley, smiling.

Ivy grinned and sang, "_Look at me, I'm Batty B, lousy with virginity, won't go to bed till I break someone's head - I can't, I'm Batty B!_"

Everyone burst out laughing, except Batman, as Ivy continued, turning to Two-Face: "_As for you, my number two, I know what you wanna do, pressing your suit against Ivy's roots - I can't, I'm Batty B! Joker, Joker, let me be! Keep your Harley far from me! I can't keep my calm when you're revving her on – I'm sick, I'm Batty B!_"

Batman's jaw tightened as the hysterical laughter continued. It was going to be a long flight back.


	6. Chapter 6

By the time they arrived back at Arkham, the combined creativity of Joker, Harley, Ivy, and Two-Face had expanded _Batty B _into a whole song with multiple verses insulting Batman's social skills, sexual prowess, and the size of his manhood. Batman was subjected to repeat renditions of it up until the moment they were dragged off to their separate cells. Despite his annoyance, he was pleased that they were focusing their energies on something harmless for a change, and before he left, encouraged the doctors to support Harley's desire to stage a musical.

And so, after a strangely calm and peaceful couple of weeks, Batman returned to Arkham Asylum to attend the opening night of the inmates' production of _Grease_.

"It is almost miraculous what a change has come over the lot of them," said the head doctor to him as they took their seats in the front row. "Normally there's squabbling and rivalry and in-fighting, but they've just all been so focused on this production that they haven't had time for anything else. Well, except when Mr. Nygma questioned the casting decision of the Joker as someone who had just turned eighteen, and whom the Joker later beat into a pulp. He and Quinn are directing, as well as starring, and they were the most tyrannical directors you have ever seen. Overrunnig rehearsals and practicing until all hours, going over and over the same things to perfect all the tiny little details. But I suppose it's not surprising they're perfectionists."

"It's been a welcome break for me," replied Batman. "I'm just glad they seem able to put their theatricality to good use for once."

"It was looking very impressive the last rehearsal I saw," replied the doctor. "I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."

At that moment, the lights lowered and Harley appeared on stage, clearing her throat, "Ladies and gents, thanks for coming tonight. It's great to see so many friendly faces in the audience," she said, beaming at the packed theatre. "I just couldn't be prouder to present Arkham Asylum's _Grease_. A Harley Quinn and Joker production."

"Hey! We agreed we were calling it a Joker and Harley Quinn production!" shouted Joker from backstage.

"I didn't agree to that!" snapped Harley. "It should be in alphabetical order, like I told you a thousand times, you dumb jerk!"

"It's a Joker and Harley Quinn production, so just say it right, you useless dame!" he shouted. "You're lucky I'm giving you any goddamn credit at all!"

"The hell I am!" she shrieked. "I put a lot more heart and soul into this than you, you selfish creep!"

Joker appeared on stage, clapping his hand over Harley's mouth and dragging her off. "Enjoy the Joker and Harley Quinn production, folks!" he said, beaming at the audience.

"Harley Quinn and Joker production!" shouted Harley, freeing her mouth just before she was dragged offstage.

There was the sound of a slap and a shriek, and the doctor leaned over. "Those little fall-outs were a fairly regularly occurance," he muttered to Batman.

"Somehow I'm not surprised," replied Batman, as the lights fell and the music started.

Batman wasn't in the habit of attending the theatre regularly. He was not, despite Joker's insistance, a musical fan. But he had to admit to himself, he was incredibly impressed at the skill, effort, and production values the inmates had put into the show. It was certainly professional quality, and everyone performed their parts to perfection. He had to commend everything about it, really, despite how disturbing he found Joker in tight leather. Batman thought he thrusted his hips at him more than was strictly necessary during _Greased Lightning_, which didn't seem completely in character. But Harley's _Hopelessly Devoted to You_ was truly heartfelt and heartbreaking. Ivy sang _Sandra Dee_ with just the right amount of sassyness, and with the original, restored lyrics, much to his relief. And Joker and Harley's _You're the One That I Want_ was received with the same level of applause and enthusiasm as it was in Brazil.

It was only after this that Batman realized something was amiss. He hadn't seen _Grease _in years, but he was pretty sure it ended with another upbeat song celebrating the nostalgia of youth. He was stunned then, along with everyone else in the audience, when a real helicopter suddenly burst through the roof of the asylum.

Harley shrieked, still in character, clutching Joker tightly. "What's that, Danny?" she cried over the noise.

"It's the Soviet Invasion, Sandy!" shouted Joker. "McCarthy was right! We're under attack by Communists! What a terrible and completely unexpected thing to happen at our graduation! But don't worry, baby, I won't let them take us down!"

Everyone watched in horror as they realized there were people in the helicopter, Arkham guards who had been kidnapped and tied up with their firearms, and whom Jonathan Crane now pushed from the chopper. Joker seized one of their machine guns, cocking it with Harley clinging to his arm. "Eat American lead, you Commie bastards!" he shouted. "A wop ba-ba lu-mop, a wop bam boom!"

_We Go Together _started playing at this cue, and while still performing the song, the other inmates all grabbed weapons from the fallen guards and began shooting up the audience. Batman was the first to react, leaping out of the way of the machine gun fire as people began to scream and panic as the inmates continued singing, choreographing the gunfire into the song. Batman reached into his utility belt for a Batarang or a smoke grenade, something to stop the chaos. Joker suddenly jumped off the stage and landed in front of him.

"A wop ba-ba lu-mop," he murmured, pointing the gun at him.

"A wop bam boom!" shouted Harley, striking Batman from behind with her hammer.

He fell backward, and Joker seized him and tied him to a chair with Harley's help, still singing. The rest of the inmates piled into the helicopter, continuing the song, as Joker and Harley joined them. The chopper rose into the air, and they all waved and blew kisses at Batman as they repeated the refrain "We'll always be together!"

"Sorry you can't give us the standing ovation we deserve, Batsy!" shouted Joker over the noise. "But there's no chance of an encore anyway!" He laughed hysterically as the singing faded into the distance. Batman watched helplessly, the mocking song and laughter ringing in his ears, as the helicopter disappeared from sight into the night sky.


	7. Chapter 7

"Gotta hand it to ya, kid, breaking the fourth wall was a great idea!" laughed Joker. Harley was leaning adoringly against him, sipping champagne and standing in a corner chatting with Ivy, Two-Face, and Crane. Everyone around them was celebrating the cast party at an abandoned lounge at the top floor of a block of apartments. "Thought it might have been a bit too meta for a light-hearted musical, but pumpkin knows best!" he said, kissing her.

"That's why mine's the first name in Harley Quinn and Joker Productions," replied Harley, beaming happily.

"No, it ain't," he retorted. "It's Joker and Harley Quinn Productions. I'm the one who thought of changing the ending, remember?"

"Yeah, but Harley was the one who thought of putting on the show," said Ivy. "I'm actually surprised you didn't think of it earlier, J. Breaking out to a musical – it was a great gag."

"It was, Red, thanks," retorted Harley, proudly. "And it was a lot of fun too, wasn't it, Mr. J?"

Joker shrugged. "I guess. I'm never wearing anything that tight ever again, though."

"That's a relief," replied Ivy. "Though I can certainly see why Harley was so impressed at seeing Harvey naked."

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Joker.

"Aw, she's just trying to rile you up, puddin'," replied Harley, kissing him. "Cause she's jealous that my man is bigger than hers."

"At least we can both agree that we're not Batty B," said Two-Face, grinning. Everyone laughed.

"I wonder what the next musical should be for Harley Quinn and Joker productions," said Harley, sipping her champagne.

"Maybe Joker and Harley Quinn Productions should disband," retorted Joker. "We wouldn't want the joke to get old, sweets. And it probably would, with a repeat performance."

"Aw, but Mr. J, there are just so many fun shows we could do!" exclaimed Harley. "I'm thinking _Chicago_ – Red and me could pull of Velma Kelly and Roxie Hart really well. Oooh, and you could be Mister Cellophane_, _Professor Crane!" she exclaimed.

"I suppose I'll take that as a compliment," replied Crane, dryly.

"Or maybe _Little Shop of Horrors_? You would be such a hot dentist, Mr. J! And Professor Crane could be Seymour, 'cause he's kinda cute and nerdy just like him."

"Again, thank you," muttered Crane. "I suppose."

"Or how about _Guys and Dolls_? You'd just be the cutest Sky Masterson, puddin'! Oooh, or _The Rocky Horror Show_…"

Joker took her glass from her. "That's enough champagne for you, pooh," he said, firmly.

"I could certainly use another glass," said Ivy, heading towards the bar.

"I can get you one, Pamela," offered Two-Face.

She turned and beamed at him. "No, thanks, Harvey. But don't go anywhere," she murmured, blowing him a kiss.

Ivy ended up drinking a lot more than she probably should have, but it was a party, after all. By the end of the night, she had suitably embarrassed herself on the dance floor, and had literally gone around kissing everyone there. Except Joker. There was a moment after she had snogged Crane that she seized Joker by the collar and dragged him towards her, but after a moment's hesitation on both their parts, they simultaneously muttered, "No," and drew away from each other.

So Ivy grabbed Harley instead and kissed her. To her surprise, Harley seized her face and returned it passionately. Two-Face snapped a photo. "That's going up on the internet," he murmured, grinning.

"Harley…" gasped Joker when she drew away.

"Aw, c'mon, Mr. J, it's just a theatre thing – everyone's doing it," replied Harley. "Anyway, I ain't never kissed a girl before. Not very nice, actually," she said, making a face. "No offense, Red."

"It's fine – it was a little awkward for me too," replied Ivy. "Harvey, you are gonna delete that photo, aren't you? I don't want people getting the wrong impression about me."

"Yeah, sure, Pam, already done it," replied Two-Face, casually.

"Anyway, nobody kisses like you, puddin'," she breathed, leaning in to Joker.

He stopped her inches from his mouth. "That's not something nice girls do, Harley," he whispered. "You've been a very naughty girl. And you know what Daddy does to very naughty girls, don't you? Daddy punishes them."

"Oh, Mr. J," she breathed, gazing at him in adoration.

"I brought the whoopie cushion, sweets," he murmured, reaching into his pocket.

Harley shrieked in delight, clapping her hands in excitement. "Then what are we waiting for?! C'mon, puddin'! It's revving time! See you mooks later! And great job – you did Harley Quinn and Joker Productions proud!"

"Joker and Harley Quinn Productions, you dumb blonde, or no whoopie cushion," retorted Joker, as they headed out the door.

"You can't blackmail me like that, you bastard!" she snapped.

"I just did – you deaf and stupid?" he snapped back.

Ivy heard them arguing down the hall. She shook her head, smiling, and kissed Two-Face. "Just gonna get some air, Harvey," she whispered.

"I ain't going anywhere," he replied. She beamed at him, kissed him again, and headed out onto the balcony.

She saw Joker and Harley still arguing as they got into his car, then watched as he hit her, quickly escalating into a full scale fight, and ending with Harley screaming "Oh, Mr. J! Vroom, vroom, puddin'!" as the car rocked.

Ivy shook her head again, but couldn't help smiling. They were as dependable as clockwork. In a way, it was comforting. She looked out at the view of Gotham City by moonlight and smiled at its beauty. Different to the Rainforest, obviously, but still gorgeous. If all had gone according to plan, Ivy would now be spending her last few days of vacation in Brazil. As far as diversions went, she thought, this was an incredibly pleasant one. She had had a lot of fun putting on the show, probably more fun than she would have had relaxing on the beach. She preferred being busy, actually. She didn't really know what to do with herself when she wasn't occupied. This had kinda been the perfect vacation, when she thought about it. She and Harvey were enjoying their limited time together – she knew they wouldn't last, but that wasn't important right now. This was a great party, and she was surrounded by all her friends. And despite how annoying they could all be sometimes, they always made life interesting. They even, occasionally, made it fun.


	8. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

A few days after the escape from Arkham, Batman received a postcard. One half of it was a picture of the Joker smiling and triumphantly holding up a dead bat - the other half was the Joker with blood coating his still smiling mouth and holding up a now headless bat. On the back was written the words: _Dear Bats, wish you were him! Love, J. _

Poison Ivy also received a memorable photo from the trip – she had just woken up and thrown on her bathrobe, taking care not to wake up Two-Face as she went over to the window and pulled open the curtains. And her mouth dropped open in horror.

Pasted to the billboard outside her window was a giant picture of her and Two-Face, the one Harley had taken of the two of them on the morning of the day they had been dragged back to Gotham. The one where neither of them were wearing any clothes. And grafittied onto the billboard were the words _Went to Brazil but forgot the Brazilian! Better luck next time, Pammie! Ha ha ha!  
_

Her horror grew when she realized that it wasn't just this billboard – the picture had somehow been plastered everywhere during the night. Everyone in Gotham had probably seen it at this point. Her horror quickly turned to blind rage.

"What the hell?" gasped Two-Face, who had just woken up and now came over to the window.

Ivy didn't say anything, other than to go over to her dresser and grab her crossbow, and then pull on her clothes. "I'm gonna break his goddamn face," she hissed.

"You get the clowns, I'll get the billboards," muttered Two-Face, dressing. "Got any explosives around here I can use, Pammie?"

"Cupboard under the stairs," she replied. "Help yourself, Harv."

He nodded and left. Ivy picked up her crossbow and sighed. "Here we go again," she murmured. "Back to the daily grind." She left the room, muttering, "I need a vacation."

**The End**


End file.
